Family and Relationships

Adjusting to your family
Traditional Family Structure
Male - Female Relationships

Adjusting to your family

There may be some new issues for you as you adjust to living with a Senegalese family. Some things may be very different from what you're accustomed to. As you will no longer be living the independent life of a Western adult who can come and go as you please, be prepared to give up a little of that freedom in Senegal so you can better integrate into your family. They may worry if you stay out late, so early on in your homestay, it is best to have a discussion about what time they expect you to be home. Your family will most likely want you to accompany them on certain visits, activities, or excursions. Take advantage of such cultural opportunities as they provide an ideal way to get to know the different aspects of the culture first-hand.

Adapting to a different family lifestyle will take some time. There will most likely be instances in which you are aware that your family does not understand why you act the way you do, and vice versa. Listen and observe closely; often, messages are given in a non-verbal manner. Also, pay attention to how your Senegalese peers act and relate to others and follow their model. You may be able to identify someone in the family who can serve as your cultural advisor, to whom you can ask questions and get feedback on your behavior.

HELPFUL TIPS FOR A POSITIVE FAMILY EXPERIENCE

• Keep your expectations realistic.

• Always check and double-check when the family expects you to be home: at night, for meals, for family outings.

• Speak French or Wolof at all times, even when talking with other English-speaking friends, unless you are speaking in a private place.

• Don't hesitate to tell them if you don't understand, and ask them to be patient as you try to improve your French and Wolof.

• Respect the rules and customs of your family (schedules, opinions, religious beliefs, etc.)

• Ask your host mother for permission to have friends over. When you do have guests, entertain them in the same way that your family entertains theirs.

• Expect to make your own bed, keep your room clean, and offer to help out, as you would in your own country when visiting relatives. You will not be expected to do your laundry, although everyone washes their own underwear.

• Inform the institution responsible for your homestay immediately of any problems relating to your safety and well-being.

• At the end of your homestay experience and after you return to your own country, write your family a letter letting them know that you arrived home safely and that you appreciate their sharing their home with you during your stay. Not to do so would be considered very rude by Senegalese standards.

In some cases, if you are doing something that is regarded as culturally offensive by your family, you will most likely not be directly told by the person who objects to your behavior. Unlike current Western culture, direct, confrontational communication is not common in Senegal. If you're aware that you may be doing something culturally insensitive, simply ask your family. If you are not comfortable doing that, ask a Senegalese friend or colleague/collaborator what he or she suggests you do. You can save yourself a lot of heartache if you do what you can to help clear up any unintentional cultural misunderstandings when they first occur.

You will find that different expectations exist of your role as a guest and family member, ones that are quite different than what you are used to in your own living situation in your country. Women may be expected to be home at a certain hour, or simply to arrive earlier than their male peers. Men may be expected to escort female friends home after an evening out. There may be different rules regarding use of the bathroom and shower and you will be expected to be home for meals. Many families will have servants working in the home. These will all be new things that will require some adjustments on your part.

When you are not sure about what your family expects from you, ask, ask and ask again. Keep the communication lines open, even if it means fumbling around in French or Wolof. If your family and friends know you're trying to learn the social norms, they will be happy to help you along. If you should have serious difficulties with your family, don't hesitate to discuss the matter with members of the institution responsible for your homestay.

Keep in mind that if privacy is indispensable to you in your living situation, living in a family may not be the best choice for you. You may or may not experience the same single family unit "home" that is common in the West. Senegalese families often live in compounds with many families sharing space in the same structure. You may be asked to share a room.

CULTURAL ADJUSTMENT

You are going to experience all sorts of wonderful things during your stay in Senegal. The satisfaction among former visitors is extremely high. They talk of how easy it is to meet people in Senegal, how friendly people are, and how much they learned about themselves while they were here. It is an immensely rich and rewarding experience and one that you can anticipate with pleasure.

However, everyone has bad days once in while. Some people will experience bad days more than others. It is normal to feel like you just want to go home--everyone has felt that way at some point in his or her travels. People who have been to Senegal in the past offer the following advice:

• First of all, be prepared to have unhappy days and know that they will pass.

• Know how you handle stress at home, and try some of the same activities that help you here while in Senegal.

• If you are part of a group, talk to others and share your feelings with them.

• Try doing something that will involve you in the present; simply doing something can work wonders. Example: if you have nothing to do one Saturday and are feeling homesick or miserable give yourself a task that will help you get to know the local culture betterlike going to a local church, searching for a specific item in the market, asking a new Senegalese friend to come to dinner, etc. Immerse yourself and keep busy.

• Sometimes, though, you might find that you need to be away from people and/or the local culture for a while, so you might choose to hole up with a book, to listen to music, or to go to the beach. Cook, read a book, write letters, write in your journalsomething to distract you or help you spill out your feelings.

• Lastly, be patient with yourself! There will be times when you feel you are the only one who is miserable and having a bad day--you're not! You'll learn that everyone has her or his own way of coping in a different culture and that what might help some people some of the time, won't help everyone all of the time. But this learning process, coming to really know yourself in a way you haven't before, is part of the adventure.

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Family Structure

GRANDFATHER

He is the head of the family, he gives advice to the family and he tries to settle disputes. He may not engage in day-to-day running of the compound because he might be too old to bring food or cash for the family, but he can act as a baby-sitter. The Grandfather plays with and takes care of the children while the parents are out, especially during the rainy season. He often represents the clan to the council of wise men. He spends most of his time under the palaver tree discussing village matters.

GRANDMOTHER

Next to the Grandfather, the Grandmother takes care of the family in affairs such as ceremonies. She tells stories to her grandchildren and babysits. Sometimes the Grandmother may also act as traditional birth attendant, midwife or health advisor. She also prepares dead women for burial and acts as female supervisor in ceremonies and communal works.

FATHER

He carries out his father's orders. He is responsible for bringing food, building houses, repairing fences, etc. He teaches his boys how to farm and sends them to circumcision camps. He takes care of his parents financially and materially. He arranges marriages for his children in consultation with his parents. In the absence of his father, he acts as the head of the compound.

MOTHER

Next to the Father, the Mother is responsible for all the domestic chores. She is responsible for the education of her children and guides her daughters as to whom they should marry. She works in the fields and vegetable gardens and can play an important role in certain ceremonies. She trains her daughters to be good housewives.

SON

The Son helps his parents on the fields and takes care of all domestic animals if there are any. He also collects firewood for cooking. He brings wives to help his parents and families.

DAUGHTER

The Daughter helps her mothers with domestic chores and helps in the fields. She supports her brothers in ceremonies.

UNCLE (MATERNAL)

The Maternal Uncle, or nijaay in Wolof, often helps to settle family disputes. He may also be expected to help his sisters in times of need when the parents are no longer able. Among many groups in Senegal, a prefered marriage for a man is to his nijaay's daughter.

AUNT (PATERNAL/MATERNAL)

The Maternal Aunt helps in preparing ceremonies and settling disputes. She can give advice to the neices and nephews when they are married. Young women usually refer to their paternal aunts for sex-related advice. The Maternal Aunt is generally the only person admitted in the nuptial room during her niece's honeymoon.

UNCLE (PATERNAL/JUNIOR FATHER)

Acts in the absence of his brother and can inherit his brother's wives when he dies if he doesn't want them to leave the compound (practice known as levirat). He helps his brother in the up-bringing of his children and act as mediator for his brothers in working out any problems in the compound. In most ethnic groups, it is the Paternal Uncle who is responsible for giving the hand of his nieces in marriage. The suitor's parents are therefore referred to him when first approaching the father.

RESIDENCE PATTERNS OF FAMILIES IN URBAN AND RURAL SETTINGS

In rural areas, men and women generally have separate rooms or huts in the compound. Men normally reside in the front of the compound. In the urban setting the immediate family lives in one house. In rural areas the compound houses several "families". The head of the family has his own hut. The wives who, depending on the wealth of the head, either have their own hut or share a hut, take turns to visit the husband. Sons who are married bring in their wives to the family compound. Children usually sleep in the women's hut, but sometimes the oldest ones have a separate hut.

In urban areas, each wife has her own room or her own house, and the husband visits them in turns. Boys share a room and so do girls in the house. Most of the time you will find other relatives (nephews, nieces, namesakes/godchildren, etc.) also living in the house. All of those people including step-brothers and sisters call each other "brothers" and "sisters".

(Source: ACI)

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Male - Female Relationships

Male/female relationships are mostly initiated by men in Senegal. This is done directly or indirectly, that is, using a third party. Women will only show signs or send love letters if literate. Usually people start dating in their teens, although in the rural areas courting can begin earlier than that.

People date and go out more or less freely with each other in the urban area, while in the rural areas things are much more controled because the community is very small. Young people dating do not physically express their love in public except at parties or when they are amongst people their own age.

As a woman, don't be surprised if a man comes and tells you he loves you; that is how it is done. If a man approaches a woman, no matter how long the conversation, the words 'nob' or 'sopp' may come up. They mean "like" but very often they are mistranslated by local people who will say "I love you", but actually meaning "I like you". Senegalese men who approach you will rarely take a 'no' for a 'no'. They'll try at least two more times before giving up. To make your life easier, do not take it personally when men insist so much. Senegalese women, even when they are very interested, will always start by declining the offer/advance both to test the pretender's determination, and to show that they are not an easy prey.

However, other relationships may be platonic; this may be co-workers, neighbours etc, who are friends and may visit each other quite often, although this sometimes may result in a physical relationship. Sex matters are discussed among peers of the same sex.

Consider the implications of your behavior with members of the opposite sex, and consult your friends of the same sex as to how you should act with members of the opposite sex. Many women who have been on university exchange or volunteer programs in the past have noted that it was more difficult to meet and make friends with women than with men. Senegalese men are very friendly with women, and while you will be eager to meet new people and make friends, be aware that Senegalese women may interpret your reactions toward male solicitation in a way that you never intended. If you find that you are overwhelmed with unwanted male attention, try to use humor to diffuse the situation or to exit it without incurring bad feelings. Humor is used in many situations in Sénégal, and it can be a very effective tool to communicate difficult messages without insulting people. Contraceptives are widely used among school age young people to prevent pregnancy, but again it is used more in the urban than rural areas due to illiteracy and lack of accessibility.

(Source: ACI)

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