Mooney steps up Master Plan, initiates 'Final Solution'
by Herr Hans Vlöchschensteimer

In an unexpected decision last week, Michael Mooney, President of the College, and the Board of Trustees voted unanimously to speed up the 'Master Plan' into one Mooney has entitled the 'Final Solution'. In an interview conducted recently, Mooney explained why he made this decision.

"I've felt that ever since the Board of Trustees approved the Master Plan a few years ago, that the actual rate at which work has been completed on this campus has slowed. There is an inefficiency on this campus when it comes to finishing the Master Plan, and by preparing this Final Solution, I believe that we will be able to finish the glorious construction that is Lewis & Clark College, and create a school that will last for a thousand years."

In this artist's rendition, students are seen assembling for work camp detail near completed residence halls. By utilizing "voluntary" student labor, Mooney plans to complete the Residential Master Plan in two years.

The Final Solution plans to initiate several controversial projects, all of which are to be carried out immediately. The first, and what some are calling the most drastic, is that of what Mooney calls "Student Purification."As of next week, certain students picked by Mooney will be transferred to the new and improved football field, where special temporary dorms are being built. Once there, the students are to be employed in special "work camps"in which they will employed in building the remaining projects of the old Master Plan.

These work camps will help the students involved to concentrate on the task for which they have been specifically chosen. In a sense, they will be camps for concentration.

"One night as I was driving home in my Lexus, I had a thought,"Mooney explained. I thought of [Merriweather] Lewis and [William] Clark. Those two famous pioneers that our school is named after really stood for one thing, America. They wanted to unite America from coast to coast, for Americans, by Americans. Obviously they weren't thinking of the Canadians when they went on their expedition, or the British, Spanish, or Italians, let alone the Arabs.

"I thought that what our school really needed was a strong sense of unity, a strong sense of pride in our native country,"Mooney continued. "This line of thought led me to the conclusion that if I was to accomplish this vision, then the College would have to make certain unproductive students participate in a form of community service -- the work camp concept."

As with all of Michael Mooney's plans, controversy has arisen in the student body, chiefly over what some students are calling 'no work-study'. That's right, no work-study money will be paid to those students volunteered to work in the work camps. Some students are calling these work camps "not very good."

Another part of the 'Final Solution' that is in immediate effect is the renaming of the Board of Trustees. Mooney has renamed the Board the 'National Trustee Party' or Natis for short. The Natis will be composed of not only the former Trustees, but also all faculty members, and will be in direct control of all affairs, both social and academic, from now on.

"With all of the recent complaints about problems with Campus Safety, and with the students' ever-present complaints that they are too removed from the administration to be able to contribute a voice, I decided that a revision of policy was necessary,"Mooney said. "I thought that by combining all of the faculty and administration into one group, more efficiency could be gained, and our hopes of finishing the old Master Plan could be completed sooner."

In the new regime, Campus Safety will now be called 'School Safety' or S.S. for short. Mooney even plans to have a rally next Friday to show off the new S.S.'s might, in which they will parade past Watzek, showing off their vehicles and officers, in an attempt to show their support for the new Solution.

Another name change is in the works as well, that of Michael Mooney himself. To show his determination and motivation in these new decisions, he has adopted the title of "The Furor."

"I wanted to show the students and faculty my compassion for the Final Solution,"Mooney said. "I thought that the most drastic thing I could do to show my support would be to change my name, specifically to that of something which showed my anger and rage at the former lack of progress that our college had accomplished. I chose the name 'The Furor' to reflect this change.

The Furor's plans for the future include a long list of projects and policies. First off is the finishing of the old Master Plan by those students selected to volunteer in the work camps. The Furor hopes to have much accomplished just by the end of the year, proving that a greater level of efficiency is possible.

After the completion of the old Master Plan, The Furor hopes to incorporate other colleges such as Reed and Willamette into his plan. The Furor even hopes to go as far as renaming the college, "The Third College,"the first being the original name of LC, Albany College, and the second being the current Lewis and Clark College. Of course this idea to rename the college, as well as most of the other ideas, will never fly, because as most people are asking, how much can one little man on a power trip really do?