Real Life, by Heather Hodges
Monday, October 11, 2004

change--what a concept.

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“Nothing endures but change.”--Heraclitus

Change is one of the only things we can count on. I guess you can choose to find this comforting or not. As for me, I’d rather find it comforting, b/c there’s not much I can really change about change (pardon the pun). It comes and comes and comes again.

I admit that it definitely throws me off when change occasionally stares me in the face…I think it was Nietzsche that said: “And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.”

There is something so bittersweet about running into those who are no longer a part of your life. Familiar faces turned into the once-familiar faces of strangers. To know that they are still out there, living their respective lives; loving, laughing, and being hurt…it certainly makes you feel something.

Things can change so quickly, it seems. One day, someone can cast an all-encompassing shadow over you, the next, that shadow can be gone. It’s scary how easily that can happen. It’s like once a certain switch is thrown things are irreversibly changed into past tense. We were, he was, she was, it was. There is no more present, and certainly no more future. There is no "will", or "are", or "is", or "has". It’s funny how much of a role grammar can play in your life.

But, there is also the sweetness of strangers turning into something more. At first they are just "someone", then they are some "one". Our eyes start to memorize the lines of their smiles, the slope of their insecurities, the weight of their words. This can happen just as fast. You can gain someone in the same instant that you lose someone. It’s as if there is this natural equilibrium that cannot be upset.

It’s easy to "look" at someone (we do it all the time), but it takes patience to "see" them, and an immense amount of courage to let them "see" you.

But, of course, it is always worth it in the end----no matter how things turn out. Seeing and being seen are two things we live for.

These past few days have involved a lot of seeing, for me.

Lack of sleep, but lots of seeing. So, I guess even though I’m sleep-deprived, I’m still ahead of the game. :--)

On another note, I’m really excited about my new job (of course, typically, being excited for a job would be a little questionable, but I really AM!). I’m going to be working as an admissions assistant in the lovely Manor House (so all you prospective students better send me big bouquets of expensive, nice-smelling flowers and Godiva chocolates! Just kidding…..I’d prefer a car, anyway.).

Hollie, the person I’m the assistant for, is awesome! I barely know her, but she has been so kind and friendly already…I was pretty amazed. Plus, she has a Chihuahua, and how cool is that! I’m looking forward to getting to know her better over the course of the year. I swear, the people are what can make or break things…and in this case, the people are definitely “making” it. I feel like there are a plethora of smiles in all the offices. It’s like an epidemic of friendliness, and it’s wonderful! Things are looking up.

So, one highlight from fall break: dancing! What can be better than dancing and sweating profusely with all your friends to deafening music?! Maybe that’s a hypothetical question. heh. But, my goodness…WHAT a workout! It’s great when you get to that point in the evening when you completely forget about being self-conscious, and stop giving a damn about how ridiculous you may look. Sadly, though...I think there is no way that you can go clubbing without leaving with a few battle scars. Mellia got the brunt of it. I’m sure she’ll show you pix of her now-deformed and painful toe….you really have to watch out for all those girls in their stilettos (I don’t understand that—as a shoe, they manage to be both masochistic and homicidal at the same time). My battle wound was almost getting my toenails ripped off by some guy in muddy boots. That was quite an experience. But the dancing must go on!

The best part of the break for me was watching the movie “Waking Life” for the fourth time. There has never been a movie that has made me think and question more than that one. I love that. I’m going to leave you with some quotes from it…you can ponder at your leisure. I highly recommend you all see it, if you haven’t already…besides being a philosophical delight, it is also artistically amazing, b/c it is like a living and breathing painting (it was filmed digitally, and then a whole bunch of artists painted over it, so it’s lifelike in this completely bizarre and novel way). See it!

Any comments or questions or random ramblings, email me at hhodges@lclark.edu. But be warned, no grossness or rudeness—b/c I DO happen to have the resources to track you down and…well, I’ll leave the rest up to your imagination (we’ll just say that I employ some extremely big, burly, protective, and vindictive men in dark sunglasses that like to use marshmallows as tools of torture)…oooh. :--)

ciao!

--heather

here’s the quotes: READ THEM! NOWWWW!

“They say that dreams are only real as long as they last. Couldn't you say the same thing about life?”

“Life is a matter of a miracle that is collected over time by moments flabbergasted to be in each others presence.”

“The idea is to remain in a state of constant departure while always arriving. “

“When it was over, all I could think about was how this entire notion of oneself, what we are, is just this logical structure, a place to momentarily house all the abstractions. It was a time to become conscious, to give form and coherence to the mystery, and I had been a part of that. It was a gift. Life was raging all around me and every moment was magical. I loved all the people, dealing with all the contradictory impulses - that's what I loved the most, connecting with the people. Looking back, that's all that really mattered.”

word.